Attachment and Relationships

Your new life is going to cost you your old one. It's going to cost you your comfort zone, and sense of direction. It's going to cost you relationships and friends. It's going to cost you being liked and understood. It doesn't matter. The people who are meant for you, are going to meet you on the other side. You're going to build a new comfort zone, around the things that actually move you forward. Instead of being liked, you're going to be loved. Instead of being understood,

Instead of trying to find the one, I wonder if you could focus on being the one, for you.

instead of waiting for someone else to make the first move, to reach out and to initiate repair, i wonder how it might feel to empower yourself to release yourself from the binds of another's actions, to use your voice, to assert your needs, to set a boundary, to reach closure in the form of walking away sure, sometimes we feel we 'shouldn't have to' that the ball is in their court. though this can also keep us stuck. making conscious choices and making movement, releases us

I hope you find getting to know yourself As exciting as you find getting to know a lover Because you are so much fun to love And every time you buy a chocolate chip cookie Because you know it's your favourite Or you order a coffee exactly how you like it Or bring water to your bedside For when you're thirsty in the middle of the night Or you put on your favourite movie [even though you've seen it a million times] Or you order in so you don't have to worry about dinner I hope

"my trauma made me stronger" but, my darling, you were never supposed to be strong. you were always supposed to be protected. and truly, it is so wonderful that in face of your trauma you had inner strength. that you fought, that you adapted, that you survived. honestly, its a miracle. though, you were never supposed to be strong. you were supposed to be loved, and held nurtured, and fiercely protected. shown warmth, and grace, and kindness a softness. afforded safe space to

in the dance between attachment that is anxious, and attachment that is avoidant, and maybe attachment that falls somewhere in between, there can be an idea that one is better, morally superior, one shows they care more through an impassioned closeness and louder expressions of love, one shows the same through avoidance avoidance of conflict, and of intensity, stepping away in attempt to keep the peace. though we are not so different, you and l.. for ultimately in our attachm

trauma replaces patterns of connection with patterns of protection - Deb Dana

you are valued worthy, and enough someone's level of disrespect may have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. and although we of course experience it, the felt sense that it is happening to us we can also be mindful, that it is coming from them. that your worth is not anchored into another's perception not subject to change, unsteady, or fragile. And letting our external world determine our worth by placing it in the hands of others, can keep us powerless,

you are not defined by your biggest mistakes, your worst moments, or one moment in time. you are a beautiful and complex being, and life is messy, you are whole, a collection of all of your parts, and you are so much more than your darkness. we are not defined by our worst moments, though we do need to take accountability for them, to process, understand, learn, and evolve. release the shame, and allow them to shape, and to choose paths that may feel more aligned with who we

grief is everywhere, it is not restricted to the bigger moments or milestones it finds us in the quiet, and in the mundane, the pieces of ordinary within our day to day grief illuminates in the chaos and overwhelm. and echoes in the spaces left behind. grief is everywhere, the guilt within laughter, the words unsaid, and the dreams unshared, grief will not always yell, and though sometimes she may whisper, we feel her weight, her presence, all the same. grief is everywhere, e

uncomfortable truth those who are actively engaging in their healing, are likely to outgrow people who aren't doing their own work. @theempoweredtherapist

sometimes, we hold people to a different standard than they hold themselves, we expect more from them, than they would expect of themselves we expect warmth, and kindness, and curiosity and can't understand why they don't know show the same, because we would. we feel let down, and it hurts. we come from a place of our own values, our own backgrounds, and forget that is our story, and not theirs sometimes, we hold people to standards that they never feigned to own and measure

you are not too much, though, maybe life has been too much, maybe, you have had too much happen to you and things have felt like too much, maybe you have experienced too much, too much hurt, too much loss, too much pain, too much neglect, and not enough love, that made you feel not enough, though you are not too much. my darling, you are so much more than enough.

when we own our mistakes, when we choose accountability, it softens the fear around failure, and quietens the noise around getting things 'wrong'. it embraces our humanness, it releases our shame, it empowers us to make decisions without fear. it gives us permission to grow and to evolve and allows us to be free, to remain curious, to learn with openness, to lead with authenticity, and to connect more deeply and more honestly with others and with ourselves

you can only meet people as deeply as they have met themselves, as authentically as they have come to know themselves, and for how closely they have allowed themselves to turn inward. the parts they are willing for us to witness, though, for how honestly and how tenderly they hold all parts of self. how they have welcomed growth with open curiosity, the stories they have rewritten, and the shadows they've stayed with long enough to understand, and to meet themselves truly. fr

sometimes, when we start to set boundaries, we are met with discomfort, resistance, an offering of guilt, even by those who have once celebrated our new voice, and the boundaries we set, with others. it can make us question ourselves, want to withdraw, or want to reconnect with those people pleasing parts, that previously kept us safe. or at least we perceived they did. these parts that encouraged us to play small, to compromise our authenticity, to keep us palatable in our a

sometimes, we don't realise we have left ourselves behind, in the quiet moments of trying to make a relationship work, we start shrinking, just a little at first, softening our voice. hiding our needs. silencing our pain. little by little, maybe barely noticeable, until it's not. a silent bargain of self-abandonment, that thrives through our fear stories, to protect from abandonment by others. becoming who they need, even when it costs who we are. and we settle for crumbs of

to be human is to be complex, messy, imperfect, to make mistakes, to think before speaking, to act from fear, insecurity, or pain, rather than presence. moments of misalignment, because we are human. though, our humanness doesn't deny our accountability, it invites it, with kindness. owning our humanity means allowing imperfection, while choosing responsibility. accountability not as our burden, though an act of love, for others, and ourselves, that our humanity is not a flaw

sometimes, grief doesn't arrive in tears, or rage, collapsed aches, embodied sobs, sometimes it comes as stillness, numb, surreal. a quiet fog that settles over everything. like the world keeps turning, but you don't. you go through the motions, go to work, wash the dishes, but your body is somewhere else, trapped in a moment that hasn't finished happening, you hear the words, they're final, they matter, though they float outside of your body, refusing to land, the news hasn'

the more we move toward our own attachment security, the more we encourage our partner to do the same. it starts quietly, learning to voice our own needs, offering calm to our own fears, to stay present, when it would be easier to fight or flee or freeze. the pulling, the pushing, we soften the parts that once protected us, we no longer need silence to feel safe, or distance to feel in control. our anchor becomes internal, and we stop searching for it in others. when we pract